What’s going on with me? Breakdown and all!

(September 10, 2009)  While writing these words, I’ll be honest, I am not feeling my best. In the last week, at different times, I suffered from allergies, headaches and digestive problems.

What’s going on with me?!!

On a physical level, I ate too much cooked and dense foods while vacationing with my husband at the Sivananda Yoga Retreat in the Bahamas during the last week of August. Too much rice! Too many beans and lentils! Then, we returned home and celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary with an amazing meal, great champagne and wine. A true indulgence!

But you know what? I believe that my physical challenges are a reflection of my emotional and mental state of mind. As you might already know, I’ve been longing to start a family, to get pregnant, for a long time. I sometimes overly indulge in the moment so I don’t think about what’s missing in my life.

Since our anniversary, I’m back to my routine. I went back to drinking my daily green juice, eating fruit and salads and well-combined meals.

My diet is much lighter and all the buried emotions (and food accumulation) are coming to the surface resulting in a kind of breakdown this morning. I got up early to go to my yoga class, walked to the studio but I couldn’t get upstairs for the class so I left and came back home. I could feel my heart so full with emotions. My husband hung up the phone right away to see what was wrong. His tenderness and gentleness opened my heart and a flow of tears came out. I cried a lot. It felt good and sad at the same time. Then, I went to get ‘Huevos Rancheros’ at the corner restaurant. I realized then that I wanted to stop feeling for a bit, which is not necessarily the answer.

Have there been times when you have felt low and turned to food, alcohol or other unhealthy behaviors to ease your mind or heart?

My experience reminded me of the importance of being in the moment, to face the truth and let go.

I have a lot of hope with regard to starting a family but I also have worries and fear (what if it doesn't work?). In order to process them, I first need to acknowledge and accept them.

The thing is: If I got pregnant 6 years ago, I wouldn’t have learned and grown the way I did and my marriage wouldn’t be as strong a partnership it is now. There’s a reason for everything. I believe in divine order.

I am pretty sure that you and I have engaged in emotional eating at difficult times in our lives. That is no sin. The important thing is not to indulge after indulging! You know what I mean: After we eat or drink badly, or stop exercising, we feel bad about ourselves, which only encourages us to continue this unhealthy activity. I encourage you (and me!) to forgive ourselves for these slips, and get back on track.

I wish you lots of Fun and Joy!
Until next time,

Cathy

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